moses

Listening to: Flyleaf's version of How He Loves <3
Reading: Persuasion by the lovely Jane Austen

 

I am Moses.

Ok, so not really. But I kind of wish I had been able to be Moses. Cool dude. I'm sure we would have been pretty tight.

Anyway, a few months ago, my bestie and I taught a lesson about him for our LIFT girls. And in the middle of putting everything together and researching and praying, I realized that God was trying to teach me something. For those of you unfamiliar with Moses and his story, allow me to "kimmie-phrase" for you.

God chose Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt into to the land He promised their ancestors.  A land of "milk and honey." A land of prosperity.

*skiiiiiiiiiiiip a bunch of really awesome God-happenings and miracles and mercies*

When they reached The Promised Land God told them to take hold of, they turned away because they were scared...of...giants. Silly, eh? God had delivered them from the Egyptians. Did totally crazy-awesome stuff right in front of their eyes! For them! And they were afraid of the really tall men standing around the Jordan. And right on the other side was The Promised Land. The land that their great-great-great-great-great ancestors were given and that they were going to inherit.

What were they thinking?!?!

Because of their disobedience, God told them they were going to wander around in the desert for forty years. And He told Moses that because of his lack of faith, he would die before they were granted access to the Land of Milk and Honey. No Promised Land for Moses.

In Deuteronomy 34, God takes Moses to the top of Mount Nebo where he can see into the Promised Land and tells him, "This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, 'I will give it to your descendants.' I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it." Can you imagine? Waiting all those years, going through all those trials, through years of oppression looking forward to the day when you get to grab a hold of the good things God has promised you and you can't.

Because of fear.

Because of unbelief.

                Don’t get me wrong, Moses was still a cool dude. A little bit later in chapter 34 a sort of tribute was given to him… “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face, who did all those miraculous signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt-to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or preformed deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel.”

                When I die, I want to be known as “Kimberly, the woman whom the Lord knew face to face.”

                                But back to what God had to tell me through all of this…I have sort of a “Promised Land.” He has promised me, to be general, a future. A future unaffected by the past. One day, we’ll sit down in big comfy chairs with a steaming cup of coffee and talk more in depth about what that means. But for now, just stay with me.

                A future. Ok. And I’ve always kind of assumed I would get it no matter what. WRONG! If I don’t really believe that God is going to give it to me…why would He? A huge part of our relationship with God is faith. If we trust our fears more than we trust God…where does that leave us? On top of Mount Nebo. Looking at all the beautiful gifts God wants to give us and not being able to enjoy them.

                And so this leaves me saying…I don’t know. I feel like I ought to know where this leaves me! I’d love to say that I am one fearless, face-to-face with God, faith-drunk woman. But I’m not. And I’m facing decisions...ish. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you my feelings on decision-making…but I HATE IT!

                Especially when I don’t know whether I’m letting fear get in the way of The Promised Land or if it’s no big deal. Agh! I just don’t know! I feel like I’m stuck between what I want and what God wants and what everyone else wants for me. I’ve tried the whole “Ok, I want what You want God.” And I still don’t know what that is!

                And while this certain fear is holding me back, I like to pretend that perhaps I just don’t want to make the wrong choice. But then I wonder if being afraid of being wrong is wrong! I apologize for the rambling. If you read this all the way through, I will seriously give you a hug. Won’t even think twice about it. And for really about the coffee date ok? If you’re feeling generous, just…talk to God for me too. Ask Him for a little clarification. I’d appreciate it.

                I understand this probably deepens any questions you had concerning my sanity, especially with the talking in circles jazz, but I really am not crazy. Ok, well maybe just a little bit. I’m a mess. That’s why this is called “Embracing the Mess.” So if you don’t want to embrace it with me...Go away! And don’t come back until you are ready to.

                I am going to leave you with my first of 28 million life verses. It makes me smile like an idiot because I always picture God bending down from the sky with His hand to His ear and feel Him right next to me when I read it:

“I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2

                                                                                                             ~Kimberly

   

prodigal daughter

Listening to: Don't You Feel Like Crying by Solomon Burke
Lyric Obsession: "I wanna know a person like You who's not afraid to love the wicked and the poor. I wanna know a person like you who's not afraid to touch the crooked and the whore...You're not afraid of me."

A picture the wonderfully amazing Lisa took this during one of our many photoshoots.



I’m no longer worthy

To be called Your daughter

I’ve sinned against heaven

And against You, O Father

What a wretch I am

What a mess I’ve become

I’ve broken Your heart

I’ve scorned Your Son

I’m hungry and thirsty

Head-strong and heart-weak

To think You would take me back

…I just can’t even believe

But there You are on the horizon

Your arms stretched out real far

You’re running to meet me halfway

You’re running real hard

You call me worthy

I’m still Your child

You love me with a love

That’s crazy and wild

You restored my soul

Gave me Your coat and ring

You put in my mouth

A brand new song to sing

I’m The Prodigal Daughter, don’t deserve such a loving Father

I’m weak, I can’t even believe

Your arms open real far, You run real hard

I’m weak, but Your love…it makes me believe

                                                                                                                                ~Kimberly

decorating and letting go

Listening to: Pain by Enter the Worship Circle
Wishing: my best friend wasn't all the way in Washington.

Do you recall my post a few months ago, Roots? No! Ok go read it.

*waits patiently*

So glad you’re back! Well guess what?! I moved again. What’s that? You guessed before my fingers typed the words? Holy Smokes. I’d offer you a hug but the last time I did that, I was taken up on it. Not that I don’t want to hug you of course. But I don’t want my hugs taken for granted, you understand.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, moving! At the risk of sounding overly romantic, it kind of looks like that cottage I’ve always wanted to live in. It’s blue and the over-sized window in my room looks out to the front yard. And my view…trees! I’m going to Ikea soon to buy a desk to go right in front of that window. Oh yeah. It shall be my “Artsy Fartsy Desk.” Hopefully I’ll have made up a better name by the time I adopt it.

*tangent* When asked what my favorite store is, I will undoubtedly declare to people far and near that Ikea has my heart. Ask me if I’ve ever actually been there. Or even owned something from there. No! This is tragic, I know. But never fear! I plan to remedy this ASAP. *end of tangent*

I actually don’t remember the last time I decorated my room…In fact, I don’t think I ever have. My room stopped being festooned when my mom stopped doing it for me. Even now, the only time my room sees any kind of excitement is when my mom finds something that “looks like Kim,” buys it and hangs it herself.

Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE crafty bedecking but I just…don’t have time? And I always lose heart right about the time when I pull out the directions. I just don’t know how I feel about being bossed around by a piece of paper when I know that I know there is an easier, quicker way to get it done.

But I am *so* excited. And honestly, I think that’s just reiteration that this is going to be a good thing. And perhaps the right thing. Because this time I moved an hour further away from everything. From my family, my job, and my best friend. And under normal circumstances, that would freak me out and throw my world into a deep, dark black hole of discomfort. I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do about certain issues this distance has created, but I know that God has a plan.

Doesn’t that sound so cliché? I apologize. I know that God has told me that He has a plan for my life, for every aspect of it, and He has never ever failed me or broken a promise before so I know in the deep depths of my soul that everything will work out. Cause He loves me like crazy. Better? :)

He’s teaching me lately to lessen my grip…with this move I’m releasing so much that I was holding onto. Material and emotional.

Since we’re on the subject, let us observe a moment of silence for my Queen-sized slice of heaven.

My bed had to go. It is absurd how hard it is to put that bed together! And really…I don’t need that much mattress. I am buying a futon to replace it. I heart futons! They’re efficient, and it would free up a lot of space for crafty things. So maybe I’ll actually get back into all of that and have multitudes of pictures to show you lovelies!

I’m thrilled.

This whole experience has taught me to rely on God’s provision and omnipotence. He apparently really wants me to learn to trust Him fully.  Hopefully, I’m getting it. I told my family that all of this moving is either to prepare me for my future as a nomad. Or a professional mover.

My new life ambition is to be able to fit all of my belongings in duffel bag. I still despise cardboard boxes. But I am learning. And I am convinced that these trials serve a purpose. If for no other reason than to build my character and strip away all the crap that doesn’t belong.

Like ridiculously large bed frames.

~KIM

blessed

Listening to: Hold Me Near by Enter the Worship Circle

The ways I procrastinated before writing this post: Put it off till the next day. Determined today was the day. Sat down. Checked my Facebook. Texted my best friend. Made some coffee. Had a heart-to-heart with my mom about my future. Lamented. Checked my Facebook again. Changed my profile picture. Went to the bathroom. Put my coffee in the microwave. Went to go find my battery charger. Decided what picture to use with this post. Played with my dog. Checked my email. Looked at the website for the missionary training school I'm going to next year. Prayed. Prayed some more. Wondered why love has to be so complicated. Realized medication would benefit me greatly. Yawned. Laughed hysterically with my sister for no good reason. Went to get my coffee out of the microwave. Wiped the counter. Sat back down. Realized how very much I'm going to miss my family while I'm abroad. Looked through all the pictures I've edited. Pondered why people stab you in the back. Realized yet again that my Lovedar never fails. Walked around the kitchen. Did a jig. Decided to write this post. RIGHT NOW. Wrote some. Went to bed. Decreed that if anyone should read this all the way through, I would give them a hug.

     Let me begin by saying, I have a terrible procrastination issue. Terrible. And I'm sure you had no clue...
    
     Now that my confession is out of the way...on to bigger and better things! Like Jesus. He's the best :) And He never ceases to amaze me.
   
     I mean really? I'm entirely wayyyy too blessed. I could ramble on and on and on and on. And you know...I think I will! Because this is my post and I'll ramble if I want to! *sung to the tune "It's My Party" while doing yet another jig*

     Firstly, I have come to realize what amazing, beautiful, caring, hysterical friends I have. Becca, Shemia, Kacey, and Lisa are my girls. My 24/7, authentic, legit, faithful friends. I have so many more people that I love but these four are my core group. I talk to them every day. And they know what's up if you know what I mean.
 
     Becca has been awarded the title BFF because she's awesome. She. Just. Rocks. She's the kind of person who would do anything for anybody. And I swear, I've never heard her complain. She is patient, hilarious, makes me want to be a better person and best of all...she's a GINGER! Have I ever told you about my deep, undying love for gingers? NO?!

     Brace yourselves...

     I STINKING LOVE THEM!

     I would love my dear Becca whether or not she was a ginger, but she gets extra points for it.

     Anyway, that girl is my rock. We have laughed until we cried and cried until we laughed. She knows my deepest, darkest secrets and STILL loves me. She gets a cookie...HECK! A lifetime supply of cookies for that! She is absolutely gorgeous and has the biggest heart. She's my Heart Sister. :) We plan on being medical missionaries together and living in a hut. It will be grand! I could go on, but most of the reasons I love her are not blog appropriate. So...moving on! ;)

     Shemia.

     Need I say more? No? But I will anyway! She's an amazing woman who is always seeking a deeper understanding of and relationship with God. And inspires me to do so as well. We have impromptu Bible studies on a regular basis...in the office at work...in the middle of dinner dates...on Skype. And I love her for it. She's always willing to drop everything and listen, and that's the kind of person I strive to be. Also, this woman has *amazing* storytelling skills. For seriously. In fact, I'm going to gift wrap one of her stories and send it to all of you on a rainy day.

    Ahhhh...on to Kacey. I don't even remember how our friendship became what is today, but I am SO grateful for her. We talk everyday after work and help each other de-stress. She and I can talk for hours and never say anything of worth. And yet other times, we have the deepest, most encouraging conversations. She always has something positive and uplifting to say.

     Kacey is so silly...and reminds me what an important part of life that is. And she's a brilliant photographer! Brilliant!

    And then there's my Lisy :) She is not only one of my best friends...but she's also the best younger-than-me aunt a girl could ask for! She's been around since forever and I consider her more of a sister than anything. She's absolutely beautiful and has the BEST sense of humor. Ever. She can make me laugh so hard that my abs cry for mercy!

     Have you ever seen Sense and Sensibility? Maryanne and Elinor are perfect depictions of Lisa and I. Perfect. As a matter of fact, we are quite certain that BBC has been following us around. I smell espionage!

     She also, is a super talented photographer! We have picture editing all-nighters, heart-to-hearts, pity parties, girl weekends, chocolate fests, and giggle fits as often as we possibly can. And they are fabulous!

     Honestly though, the one thing about all of them that I love and appreciate the most is their deep, unswerving, devoted love for Jesus. They express it in their own unique ways and I grow more as a result of it.

     "Secondly" is going to have to wait for another post...it happens to be time for an editing party/giggle filled night with Lisa and my little sister Danae!

Beccas, Shemias, Kaceys and Lisas...they make it ridiculously fabulous :)

sunrise

Listening to: The Coldest Heart -The Classic Crime
Reading: Self Incrimination -Randy Singer

This night has been so long
And so full of pain
I've been hurting
And begging You to explain

I'm no longer saying "if"
You've taught me instead to say "when"
As I ask for strength
Until the light comes again

This night has been so long
I've been praying for it's end
God, You're ever-faithful
I know You'll bring the sunrise again

I've cried lots of tears
And been so confused
My heart has been
Thrown around and abused

But You're bringing me the warm sunrise
And You're healing my pain
I'm feeling a peace
That I just can't explain

I cry out to God
He bends down to hear my prayer
He's my protective shade
What reason have I to be scared?
                 

i'll be fine

Listening to: Faint Not by Jenny & Tyler
Has the overwhelming urge to: Name something Ramses

My head spins, my knees give way
Simply at the thought of you
I'm so ready and yet so afraid
And there's nothing you can do...

But maybe it's in this fear
It'll be the easiest to understand love
Then again...
Will love be enough?

After all it was "love"
That let me down
"Love" that left me here
Crying on this cold, hard ground.

I'm trying not to see him
When I look into your eyes
But it's hard to hear the truth
After giving in to the lies

No matter what I say
Never let me go
I need you here
No matter how little I let it show

We have years to undo, Baby
But don't ever give up on me
At the end of it all
You'll get my best, you'll see

I'm trying not to blame you
For his mistakes
But Baby this is so hard
When I feel my heart is at stake

You couldn't save me then
But God's on my side
Even though you couldn't stop it
He holds the tears I've cried

So don't worry about me
Baby, don't worry about me
I'll be fine.

musings

Listening to: Postcard From Paris -The Band Perry
Proverbs 14:10 Each heart knows it's own bitterness and no one else can share its joy.

I seriously had an internal battle about whether or not to post this picture because it's yet to be edited. I think I need to be heavily medicated. Either that or I just need photoshop back! Rawr! However, I think it's still quite lovely in all of its unedited glory :) Minus the fuzz at the top left corner of the flower. But you know, whatever.

      I must apologize. To all of my dear lovelies I convinced to join this time-consuming blogging hobby, I realize I have not blogged in eight years and twelve days. I vow to try keeping this bad boy up and rolling.

     

     HOW-ever! I do not come to you empty-handed. My excuse is...well...I've had nothing worthwhile to say. And I'm still not positive that I do. But we'll see what comes of this last minute chaos. It just might be magical! (I'm not making any promises as far as that last statement is concerned.)

    I've been at a loss for words lately. Hmm. That's a lie. I've been at a loss for words that one would consider posting on their blog for people they know and who have high expectations of them to see. If that makes any sense whatsoever. 

    And that's precisely why I'm awake at this unreasonable hour even though I have to go to work tomorrow. And also, because I don't want to be asleep. But that's a different story. Anyway, I'm awake and I just now finished a pitiful excuse for a handout for the girls Bible study I lead with my best friend. The study's topic is True Beauty. Nuff said. 

    Including all the different aspects of beauty, what it truly means, and recognizing it in ourselves is proving to be quite difficult! But I suppose it's in these times, where we have to rely on God and His Spirit to lead us because we have no words, that His faithfulness and strength prevail. I'm all for Him prevailing! 

    If I remember, I'll let you know how it all turns out.

     But I wouldn't count on another update anytime soon unless I'm suddenly overcome with motivation. Not very likely, in case you're wondering. Not. At. All. 

    On a higher note, I'm done with high school! Yay for Kimberly! And up until last week, I totally forgot that when you graduate, you get graduation presents! I tried to get the link for my snazzy laptop to hitch a ride with "graduation presents" up there ^ so you could see his glorious face and help me decide what my new boyfriend's name should be. But it didn't work :( 

    I'm debating between Fitzwilliam, Magellan, and Jafar.

    Anyway, my aunt and uncle are most generously contributing to the easing of my load in college. Laptops are heavenly. Also, this means that where I go, Photoshop goes! 

     *jumpy claps* 

     On second thought...this could be a very bad thing. I can totally see myself editing the mess out of some brick wall while my philosophy professor rambles about Gandhi. I've always preferred brick walls to Gandhi.

    I've been reading this great book lately...talk about challenging and thought-provoking! Exactly what I've been searching for since I was told Crazy Love by Francis Chan was going to blow my mind. My mind never once felt even the slightest breeze. Tough? Yes. But true nonetheless.

     Radical is phenomenal! 

*Kimberly's Bucket List*

~ Go to Office Depot

~ Use "radical" and "phenomenal" in the same sentence

~ Become a missionary in some remote jungle where a click dialect thrives

~ Bake an \Oreo INSIDE a chocolate chip cookie

*and so on and so forth*

    It's all about being a radical follower of Jesus...not being content with religion...taking His words literally...giving up EVERYTHING for Him. 

     For His cause. For His kingdom. For His glory. 

     This should be a no-brainer for us Christians. Why would we hold back from God the very things He's given to us? None of it is truly ours. And even if we could somehow claim that...what could possibly be more important to us than the Forgiver of our sins? The Redeemer of our souls? The Savior Who took on our judgment?

    Think about it. 

   See what I mean? There are some things in life I treasure...but none more than my Jesus. But do we really live like He's the most important? Is He our priority? 

     In Matthew 13:44 Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 


     If you found some great treasure...all non-materialism aside...would you go sell what you had to buy the field it was hidden in for much less than the cost of the treasure? I'll answer for you: Heck to the yes!


    But how many of us are willing to go sell everything we have for the Kingdom of God? For something we can't see but we "know" is there. We sure don't live our faith sometimes, eh? 


    See what I mean?! Thought. Provoking. 

     Go buy this book. And a snazzy new pen and a cool-colored highlighter. Then, when you're done reading it, let me know what you think. When I finish, I'm praying about using Radical Together by the same author for my girl's LIFT (Living In Fellowship Together) group. I'll let you know about that too ;)


    Well now, that wasn't so bad was it? *talking to herself* 


    You know, not in the least! I should do this more often! *answering herself*


     Yes you should! *realizes at this point, she should stop talking about this being heavily medicated jazz, and actually become heavily medicated*


     I'm praying that all you beauties have a great week! 

                                                                                              ~Kimberly