Reading: Persuasion by the lovely Jane Austen
I am Moses.
Ok, so not really. But I kind of wish I had been able to be Moses. Cool dude. I'm sure we would have been pretty tight.
Anyway, a few months ago, my bestie and I taught a lesson about him for our LIFT girls. And in the middle of putting everything together and researching and praying, I realized that God was trying to teach me something. For those of you unfamiliar with Moses and his story, allow me to "kimmie-phrase" for you.
God chose Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt into to the land He promised their ancestors. A land of "milk and honey." A land of prosperity.
*skiiiiiiiiiiiip a bunch of really awesome God-happenings and miracles and mercies*
When they reached The Promised Land God told them to take hold of, they turned away because they were scared...of...giants. Silly, eh? God had delivered them from the Egyptians. Did totally crazy-awesome stuff right in front of their eyes! For them! And they were afraid of the really tall men standing around the Jordan. And right on the other side was The Promised Land. The land that their great-great-great-great-great ancestors were given and that they were going to inherit.
What were they thinking?!?!
Because of their disobedience, God told them they were going to wander around in the desert for forty years. And He told Moses that because of his lack of faith, he would die before they were granted access to the Land of Milk and Honey. No Promised Land for Moses.
In Deuteronomy 34, God takes Moses to the top of Mount Nebo where he can see into the Promised Land and tells him, "This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, 'I will give it to your descendants.' I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it." Can you imagine? Waiting all those years, going through all those trials, through years of oppression looking forward to the day when you get to grab a hold of the good things God has promised you and you can't.
Because of fear.
Because of unbelief.
Don’t get me wrong, Moses was still a cool dude. A little bit later in chapter 34 a sort of tribute was given to him… “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face, who did all those miraculous signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt-to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or preformed deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel.”
When I die, I want to be known as “Kimberly, the woman whom the Lord knew face to face.”
But back to what God had to tell me through all of this…I have sort of a “Promised Land.” He has promised me, to be general, a future. A future unaffected by the past. One day, we’ll sit down in big comfy chairs with a steaming cup of coffee and talk more in depth about what that means. But for now, just stay with me.
A future. Ok. And I’ve always kind of assumed I would get it no matter what. WRONG! If I don’t really believe that God is going to give it to me…why would He? A huge part of our relationship with God is faith. If we trust our fears more than we trust God…where does that leave us? On top of Mount Nebo. Looking at all the beautiful gifts God wants to give us and not being able to enjoy them.
And so this leaves me saying…I don’t know. I feel like I ought to know where this leaves me! I’d love to say that I am one fearless, face-to-face with God, faith-drunk woman. But I’m not. And I’m facing decisions...ish. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you my feelings on decision-making…but I HATE IT!
Especially when I don’t know whether I’m letting fear get in the way of The Promised Land or if it’s no big deal. Agh! I just don’t know! I feel like I’m stuck between what I want and what God wants and what everyone else wants for me. I’ve tried the whole “Ok, I want what You want God.” And I still don’t know what that is!
And while this certain fear is holding me back, I like to pretend that perhaps I just don’t want to make the wrong choice. But then I wonder if being afraid of being wrong is wrong! I apologize for the rambling. If you read this all the way through, I will seriously give you a hug. Won’t even think twice about it. And for really about the coffee date ok? If you’re feeling generous, just…talk to God for me too. Ask Him for a little clarification. I’d appreciate it.
I understand this probably deepens any questions you had concerning my sanity, especially with the talking in circles jazz, but I really am not crazy. Ok, well maybe just a little bit. I’m a mess. That’s why this is called “Embracing the Mess.” So if you don’t want to embrace it with me...Go away! And don’t come back until you are ready to.
I am going to leave you with my first of 28 million life verses. It makes me smile like an idiot because I always picture God bending down from the sky with His hand to His ear and feel Him right next to me when I read it:
“I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2
~Kimberly
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